i'm in too truthful a mood

I Share It With You

2012-01-17T22:01:00.000-08:00

I'm constantly shutting doors because I'm afraid of messing up, but I shut the door - so I messed up. I just have trouble actually seeing myself succeeding at this whole thing, making a living doing what I love doing.

I am so proud of her and I think she is so fascinating. My heart grows ten sizes bigger every day just because she's alive, and she makes me cry (or at least want to) and act funny. I like holding your belongings and feeling like I share it with you.

Peeling An Orange

2012-01-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

My friends were wondering if I was alright
back when they shot the shit
on the back deck
smoking a cigarette

and I didn't come out of my room.

I keep hoping they understand now
but I think I'm still in my room.

I wish I could peel an orange on the front porch,
and my wife is hooked to me
on the swing
still.

But I always have this drama
and this deep career manifested
in dealing with myself.

I will always hate myself mostly
and it scares me.

I think about my mom
and how she wishes I loved myself
and how God loves me
and I am fearful of the seventy years I have left
bearing kids
and loving my wife
in a life where I want to be happy
but try too hard.

Wild

2011-12-21T13:33:00.000-08:00

These days, at the tender age of twenty-three,
I get extremely bored with myself.
Where has that color
gone off to?

That purple dot on the surface of my brain
which dripped into my soul
feeling God in the wild,
the wild which even it I have wondered,
"Where has that color
gone off to?"

A year passes and I feel the wild
even less than the year before.

I WANNA FEEL AT HOME

2011-12-19T18:29:00.001-08:00

I WANNA FEEL AT HOME from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

Footage solely from our honeymoon.

Unplanned Holiday

2011-12-15T08:26:00.001-08:00

Be sure to watch in HD... which I think you have to watch it on Vimeo in order to do that.

Unplanned Holiday from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

Here lies a music video - made by Will Rucker - for the band Colorfeels.

We had a lot of fun shooting this here video. We were all feeling the Christmas spirit and getting into the grooves of Colorfeels' vibes.

Create

2011-10-21T17:23:00.001-07:00

Create from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

A night off Colorado Avenue. Pumpkin bread, sewing, Goldeneye, Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2, front porch conversation, drawing, and piano.

BE THERE: A Film About A Band Named Colorfeels

2011-10-19T15:11:00.001-07:00

BE THERE: A Film About A Band Named Colorfeels from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

A behind-the-scenes look at the making of Colorfeels' debut album, Syzygy. Watch the band jump from studio to studio, talking out songs ideas, and developing the melodies right before your eyes.

Walker Wedding

2011-10-19T15:10:00.001-07:00

Walker Wedding from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

This is a sample of the film I made for Liz and Corbin Walker. Married on June 25th, 2011.

Geyer Wedding

2011-10-14T16:22:00.001-07:00

Geyer Wedding from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

This is a sample of the film I made for Lauren and Chris Geyer. Married on September 3rd, 2011.

I Question and Read Myself

2011-10-04T00:52:00.000-07:00

I keep reading myself.

Where is my care?
Where I am, I suppose.
Deep down in my heart
in part
and staring at the way
I move my wrist.

I keep staring at myself.
I'd like to move my wrist, unread
from an insecure mind
wrapped in language.

I question my love for you all.
I question my role as a husband.

I question
and read myself.

Home

2011-10-04T00:36:00.000-07:00

I keep thinkin' about myself.
I want to look at my home.

God has a home for us
where the questions shut down
and we sprint around
like a child blazing
with blind faith.

Loving Bigger

2011-09-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

May you push my insides out
to reflect the energy I have stifled in the past
but exists still in my heart.

You are my battery, Lord.
You suck up weakness
and spit out strength.

BE THERE trailer

2011-09-18T21:59:00.001-07:00

BE THERE trailer from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

This is a trailer for the documentary, entitled, "BE THERE: A Film About A Band Named Colorfeels". It is A 40 minute behind-the-scenes look at Colorfeels in the studio recording their debut record, "Syzygy". For a limited time offer, purchase "Syzygy", and get a DVD of the documentary for no additional cost. To purchase, go to http://www.colorfeels.com/

Healthy

2011-09-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

I want to raise images
born from a fiery mind
scribbling from midnight until 7 am
and no one tell me I'm unhealthy.

Going Out with Friends

2011-08-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

Dance like a kook with arms slapping the space around you, look at yourself.
Say, "This is how I dance."

Sing in whatever weird concoctions your chords project, hear yourself.
Say, "This is how I sing."

---

You fail your voice
when your only choice

is living entwined
in the cage inside

your empty head
where only you tread.

---

Do not mull over your lack of mulling over.
You are by yourself.

Find whatever it is your friends cherish about you.
You are with them.

New Has Come

2011-08-07T14:01:00.001-07:00

Be sure to watch in HD by clicking on the "HD" button on the bottom right of the video box.

New Has Come from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

This is a video I played at my rehearsal dinner, the night before I married Andrea Wilkins on July 30th, 2011. It is a montage of childhood home videos mixed between the Wilkins and Rucker households. Music is Frakkur and Jonsi & Alex.

I Cannot

2011-06-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Be sure to watch in HD by clicking on the "HD" button on the bottom right of the video box.

I Cannot from Will Rucker on Vimeo.

If I was what I would be,

Then I'd be what I am not.

Here I am where I must be

Where I would be, I cannot.

Growth

2011-05-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

Spirit vexed.
In wake,
heart pumps.

Seats
greet cheeks
reach feet

blooming.

The Back Deck Apocalypse

2011-05-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

Yes I see.
Myself, I know.
I see myself.

On my deck
with whiskey and smoke
down my neck.

I'm writing about my fight
with myself.
The good fight.

The good fight that hurts.
The toils and troubles
and burns.

About the hard forgiveness
within a cold heart.

The fight is successful
because the fight exists.

Colorfeels Documentary

2011-04-11T11:55:00.001-07:00

Hey guys,

As many of you know, I have been following this band, Colorfeels, since mid-September of 2010. I've gone to most of their concerts, most of their visits to the studio, and I've sat down with them all individually for interview sessions.

They are releasing their album, titled Syzygy, on May 10th. They made a Kickstarter account about a month ago and have raised over $8,000. Pretty awesome.

Here is a little demo reel I threw together of the documentary I'm putting out on May 10th, alongside their album. Make sure you watch it in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Austin Manuel & Heidi Feek

2011-03-11T13:49:00.001-08:00

Austin & Heidi have been writing together lately. It couldn't make me any more excited. The two pull together some of the most mature songs I've heard in a while.

Make sure you watch the videos in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Ain't It Just Like A Woman

Help Colorfeels

2011-03-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

For more information, click here.

Natalie Prass

2011-03-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

Nashville Scene wrote an article on her:
"While her delicate alto evokes clear benchmarks of influence — see early Rilo Kiley, Feist, Karen Carpenter, etc. — Prass never seems weighed down by the artists she’s absorbed. Instead, she has developed a refreshing guitar-grounded musical vocabulary and a knack for infectious and entrancing tunes. Still, it’s a spirit of invitation and friendship that continues to be Prass’ most pronounced attribute."

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Left & Right Side

Sam Quinn & Japan Ten

2011-03-04T21:33:00.001-08:00

You may know Sam as half of "the everybodyfields". These days, he lives in Knoxville pursuing a solo career. Sam has a dry and strange sense of humor that typically plays off of very painful matters. His lyrics grab specific Knoxville scenery, observing the feelings that, for me, are rarely ever anything more than a sub-conscious feeling - I have no idea why the imagery along Meads quarry and North Central churn and burn in my chest. He probably doesn't either, but he sure has made some great songs out of them. When I listen to his music, I'm a little jealous because I would have loved to say for myself: "Still the salt, it finds my wounds".

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Oceans

Fanboy

So Strong

Magazines

Hello

Gun

Mardi Gras

It Doesn't Matter

Suite: Motown

Help Me

I Can't Sleep

Late the Other Night

Jacob Metcalf

2011-03-02T23:50:00.001-08:00

Jacob Metcalf is a Dallas, Texas native. He played at a house show at my friend, Chelsea Culbreath's, house on June 16th, 2010. His music has a very calm, breezy vibe to it. He was a pleasant surprise.

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Correspondence

mewithoutYou

2011-03-02T20:49:00.001-08:00

mewithoutYou played at Exit/In on June 23rd, 2010.

mewithoutYou is...

Aaron Weiss (Lead Vocals)
Michael Weiss (Guitar)
Greg Jehanian (Bass Guitar)
Richard Mazzotta (Drums)

They are a Philadelphia-based experimental rock band. MewithoutYou's music is generally dominated by spoken-word vocals and free-ranging drums, bass, and guitar. On their third album, Brother, Sister, the band incorporated more varied instrumentation including percussion instruments, accordion, and harp. Aaron Weiss writes lyrics about issues such as unity or division in the church, suicide, money, war and love. They tour in a 42 foot 1976 MC8 Charter bus (that used to read "Altus Bulldogs" before the band painted over it in July 2009) that runs on vegetable oil.

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

A Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains

January 1979

In A Sweater Poorly Knit

Timothy Hay

Messes of Men

The Sun and the Moon

C-Minor

Son of A Widow

Four Letter Word

The Fox, The Crow, & The Cookie

Tie Me Up! Untie Me!

The Beetle King On the Coconut Estate

Ode To Mom (Beauties, Seasonally)

2011-02-24T23:03:00.001-08:00

On February 24th, 1988, she told me I was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. She is hurting and tired, but she's drop-dead gorgeous - the way a girl is unaware of some tuft of hair that kicks off the top of her ear, making men go crazy.

You plastered my face with anointing oil and summoned the wind to blow gently on my window.

Peter Barbee

2011-02-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Peter is very sure of himself. He goes down avenues and takes his songs with him. His hands always crawl to the right fret, right chord - and it seems to make a lot of sense how he constructs his songs. I appreciate his ear for music.

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Hear Me Out

Dark Design

Andrew Combs

2011-02-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

Andrew Combs is a fervent Americana man. His lyrics are naked and extremely honest. He seems to be obsessed with Townes Van Zandt and Gram Parsons, maybe even Guy Clark, because... wow... I hear it all over his music.

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Too Stoned To Cry

Colorfeels @ Exit/In

2011-02-23T12:48:00.001-08:00

I've been following Colorfeels around since mid-September of last year. I'm making a rock-doc about the process of recording their full-length album due late spring. I've gone back and forth between studios, whether it's Forge Seat or Ocean Way or Creative Workshop, and I've followed them to Exit/In and 12th & Porter and The Basement. If there's one thing I could say about these guys, it's that they are obsessed. They are obsessed with music and they are obsessed with all of the ideas that are pouring out of each one of them.

Make sure you watch the video in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Keepin' Me Alive

4am

2011-02-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Tear Off Your Filth

2011-02-23T02:58:00.000-08:00

Not really sure what you are

in doing life.

How much am I willing to give
in making myself naked.

I am nothing without nudity -
The world made my skin.
God made my Heart.

I want to rip off my skin
and throw my heart on the ground
and I ask you,
God! Please, rescue me from bondage.

Boring people get bored.

I want a brain filled with images
of broken people coming to your seat
and throwing flowers in the air
and screaming the Gospel with mouths
throwing up flies that resemble sin and filth
and God takes all of the flies and puts them in a cup
and burns and melts the cup in His hand.

People will scream God's truth
with cynicism left behind.

Dear Lord,
I love You.

So much.

Upsetting Genesis

2011-02-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

A mare is a fully mature female horse,
perhaps the reason nightmares have enough horsepower
to tear down the start to days.

The blanket covers my bed,
my weakness in between.

Sunset at 11pm

2011-02-21T15:03:00.001-08:00

I am waiting for a beard to get longer,
trees to wither.

God gave me the ability to stretch my arms in the air
to reach for the sunset at 11pm
in a fit of frustrated passion.

The next blaze of fiery orange and yellow
will happen tomorrow night.

Photography: Best Of

2011-01-27T11:08:00.000-08:00

Here are my favorite photos I've taken in the past year.

Quench

2011-01-23T23:25:00.000-08:00

I eat your flesh
drink your blood
and I'll do it again tomorrow
because you give it to me freely
graciously
blessed
adorned

that I may be forgiven
when I kill other people.
You're always here
for me to eat
drink
read
befriend
love
wholeheartedly

through fixing my voice
with your flavor
as yeast
and wine.

I will kill more today
but I will eat your flesh again
drink your blood again
and stain your eternal robe.

Given Thoughts Giving Thoughts

2011-01-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

I love it when Huck sneezes,,
U.P.S. drops Sam Quinn's new vinyl on my doorstep,
I anticipate a P.T. Anderson movie too much,
I drink coffee while I check my Email in the mornings,
Tom Delonge sings "I think I like today",

I love it when I make films that
say everything in my head -
to document what hurts my heart,
to help my heart.

I want the kind of body language
that helps other people's body language.

The Fight

2011-01-23T23:20:00.001-08:00

It's easy to be heavy,
hard to be light.

It takes a look
at radiant truth

to not swallow the pills
with the whiskey.

Culture

2011-01-19T22:38:00.000-08:00

I've seen people running away...

...from wives and the closets clad with monkey suits, backing away from the children reciting Bible verses. They are updating knowledge based on Pitchfork writers with no hearts for something that fits somewhere. A heterogeneous society becoming more homogeneous, understanding the trans-Atlantic society. Magazines with nude girls kissing other nude women, just to cause controversy so that it will indeed get published, a scurrying frenzy of these people flipping through pages.

I've identified with them. But I hate it.

Living in the Spirit

2011-01-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

"The people around me seem to have heads on straight."

Is this a familiar thought to you?

Let me assure you, these boys and girls around you that seem to have a head on straight, are probably living in the flesh.

My life up until recently, I've spent being uncomfortable with the Spirit, but I would like to take this year, 2011, to begin a learning process - to be open to the Spirit. Do not live in your circumstances. Live in the Spirit. Have a soul but do not live in it. Your soul is made up of three things: your will, your mind, and your emotion. These three things are extremely powerful entities. When you went and saw Passion of the Christ, did you cry? I did. I'm not sure if my soul was crying or if my Spirit was crying. All I know is that my tears were shock-tears. I saw Jim Caviezel being beaten to death and - because I am faint of heart - I cried. When you read Chuck Palahniuk, you may experience his writing the same way I experienced Survivor and Fight Club, it makes you want to barf. It is great writing, but it's all shock-value. He is manipulating your emotions - the same way everything else worldly does - to feel something that might be there, but your flesh is relating to it in a way your Spirit does not. All Palahniuk does is make you feel like crap.

Would you not agree that focusing on your sin causes more sin? I want to move forward. I want to shed old skin. If I look at God and cut me out of the picture, well then I'm not a part of the picture.

I didn't understand the difference between Spirit and soul until last night - a sermon preached at my 2nd home church, Grace Center, spoke wonders to my empty Christian life I have spent twenty-two years hating.

I can't help but understand the difference between Spirit and soul in the most concise simplicity: Spirit is Him and soul is man. If you live from the soul, you are driving your car. Sit in the back seat and let God set fire under you.

You are thinking too hard - and might I add, way too hard - about experiencing the Holy Spirit that you never ever experience it.

How do you let the alabaster jar fall and break and the perfume pour out? In other words, how do you and I stop trying to let God's Spirit move in us and through us, rather than just letting it move in us and through us? Well, to be honest, I don't know the answer to that question, but this passage in Romans dampers a lot of questions I have.

________________________________

Romans 7:14-25

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[b] a slave to the law of sin.

________________________________

The best way to mature in the Spirit is just to wait. But that is the hardest thing to do, because - What are you to do but do nothing?

Just pray. And let God unfold you and do for you what you cannot do.

Oh. And another thing. Don't strive toward God. It never works because you're restless. Just walk in Him. Why kill yourself trying to attain His Spirit when it's already in you? I am all for being desperate for the Spirit and I will be desperate for the Spirit for as long as I live. But I also don't want to live life trying to jump from one "camp high" to the next. Let's live life with a calm heart rate.

Mark Allen won the Ironman Triathlon 6 years in a row. How did he do it? He used a heart rate monitor to keep his heart rate below 155 beats per minute - a heart rate most runners would have after an 8:15 mile. But Mark trained his heart to beat less than 155 beats per minute for 5:30 miles - 26 of them. He is breathing normally, blood pumping normally, and not having immediately exerted himself, sprinting the last leg of the triathlon. He has swam 2.5 miles. He has biked 112 miles. And now ending with 26.2 miles.

Something I'll Never See

2011-01-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

I don't want to see what's here.
I want to be a man who sees something
invisible
something other people are seeing
but cannot tell you whether it's blue or small
or has crooked teeth or a black heart
or if it speaks cold words.

I would like to see you.
but I want to have faith in something
I'll never see.

Bruise

2011-01-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

I start out each semester
just as ambitious as the next.

I sign up for a Fiction Writing course.
I think, "I'm gonna read some Steinbeck
I didn't know was there
or perhaps write
in the style of McCarthy
on accident."
But I become lazy too early on
and my emotions always deteriorate my energy.

Then again,
none of my art would have its direction
without a bruised mind.
God is watching over me.

Venice Peaches

2010-10-08T00:17:00.000-07:00

I find all of us,
my wife and two kids, Claire and Donald,
and old Sadie Mae is on her last leg.
The side porch is well-lit as the
orange in the sky darkens
and hides Ormond Street.

I climb with my son
to pick a long-ripened peach.
Claire will eat it.
She's the only one in our family
who can down soggy fruit.

Later that night,
the kids fall asleep to Jungle Book.
Burst-pulsed sounds from dolphins
jog along the surface
of the ocean
and crash in waves
to spit at me.

My wife grabs my hand and puts it in her pocket.
She buries me there.

Nebraska Avenue

2010-09-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here is a film I just finished making. It's a montage of a bunch of footage I've shot this past summer.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Sadie Mae

2010-09-11T19:04:00.001-07:00

Meet my new dog, Sadie Mae. She is 2 years and 3 months old. German Shepherd/Terrier mix.

Dad

2010-09-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm age five
on Castleman Drive.

We're late to Ben's soccer game
and dad shuts the door
- before grabbing the car keys.

No time to waste,
he punches
his fist bulging
the glass door in full
and pulls
his knuckles
cut with blood.

I can't help but consider,
"Mom will pull up right here
in less than an hour."

But dad was preoccupied
to find whatever bides him
the most time.

I look at him
and imagine
my dad as Clark Kent.

Quiet On the Dock

2010-08-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

The fishermen could be asleep
or maybe they'll drink
honey wheat.

She says she loves
to cuddle above
the mud
and the lightning bugs.

Gray Hair

2010-08-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

Our hair grows gray
on the mexican sarape.

What's been done
and what's to come.

Unsure What I Love

2010-08-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm looking forward to the doors
with their creaking boards,
our children crawling
on the floor.

Most Things I Feel

2010-08-04T18:32:00.000-07:00

I cannot mention
most things I feel:

her aches keep my heart -
to sweep leaves in piles
and jump like a child,
crumbling wild.

Less Is More

2010-08-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the mute person has the most to say,
the bird without a beak has the most to sing,
the cripple with no belongings has the most to give.

I want to be smaller,
so He can be larger.

Megafaun

2010-06-25T09:59:00.001-07:00

Megafaun is Joe Westerlund, Brad Cook, and Phil Cook. They played at Exit/In on June 21st, 2010. Stereogum describes their songs as "mournful, slow-blooming banjo-and-white-noise-laced epics". Their songs are an ode to death, love, musical history, community, tradition, and experimentation.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Kaufman's Ballad

The Process

Taxicab Racers

2010-06-23T23:27:00.001-07:00

Taxicab Racers played a show at 12th and Porter in mid-May, 2010. Taxicab Racers is Michael Roddy, Nate Zensen, Adam Newport, and Josh Dillard.

Roddy writes, "Taxicab Racers in its present form is a channeling of rock and dance music. Beneath the surface of swirling arpeggiators and club-friendly leads, you will find a humble pop song that could just as easily be played on a simple instrument. It is poignant dance music without all the repetition and indulgence; ear candy but with a hint of substance. We believe all great melodic ideas start from a core, and if that core is healthy, a great song is produced. I feel that this is the strongest version of Taxicab Racers yet, and from this healthy center you can expect great things to come."

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Heavy Heart

In Mind

Take It Easy

Matt Campbell

2010-06-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

You may know Matt Campbell as the fiery lead singer for The Deep Vibration. Nowadays, he's been carrying himself solo. He has a voice reminiscent of Ben Kweller, Jeff Tweedy, and Ryan Adams. He encapsulates Neil Young's best moments on guitar. And he paints the most vivid pictures of desert landscapes, open roads, airports, the 90's, and CiCi's Pizza.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Past Her Prime

Tennessee Rose

Tell Me Love

Talkin' Blood Bank

Austin Manuel

2010-06-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

My good ol' buddy, Austin Manuel, played a show at his girlfriend's house last night. He's got a lot of new tunes up his sleeves that haven't been released, but he's hoping to put out a few of these by the end of the summer.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

I Was Going Crazy

I Envy the Moon

You're the Only One

I Don't Know What's Real

Hitler

Taylor Hollingsworth

2010-06-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Taylor Hollingsworth played at The Basement May 14th, 2010. You may know him from Conor Oberst's band, "The Mystic Valley Band".

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

Ring Around Saturn

96 Crayons

Take This Bread

2010-06-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

My brother married Audrey Alston a couple weeks ago. I made this video for the rehearsal dinner and we gave a DVD out to everyone that came to the wedding.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

PART 1

PART 2

Fireflies at Cade's Cove

2010-06-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Colorfeels @ 12th & Porter

2010-05-21T01:21:00.001-07:00

My friend, Parker Cason, is now in a band called "Colorfeels". I absolutely love their music. You can see traces of Grizzly Bear in the guitar works, Fleet Foxes in the harmonies, and Panda Bear in some of the vocals.

Make sure you watch them in HD by clicking on the bottom right of the video.

You Know

Mirrored Walls

Unplanned Holiday

Genealogy

Pretty Walk

Thoughts

2010-04-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

If it doesn't reach my tongue,
there's too much good thought
to sound one good speak.

Slow

2010-04-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

Huck sniffs the wind.

I know he's just a pup,
but I understand
his goofy beating heart

slowing in the day.

Older, Colder

2010-04-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

Written and directed and edited
by Will Rucker

Sound - recording, mixing, and editing
by J.D. Tiner

All music written and performed
by Austin Manuel

Songs:

"I Just Don't Understand"

and

"Everyday's A New Day"

Silence

2010-04-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

I've got nothing to say,
but why would I speak to you
when my thoughts sound empty as dark caves.
I decide over and over again
I don't like vulnerability.

Last year, I nearly lost it
thinking nothing.
I was curious years ago
but I suppose the intrusive nerves
in your body grow thin over time
- the emphatic, excited gestures curl up.
It's weird to think there's still blood in me somewhere,
percolating with deep wet oozes.
Blood somehow always pumps.

I spend many days
mumbling words I'll say clear that night.
But really,
how much do i have to explain
when the universal generalization
explains even that which i can't grasp
for I've only experienced my experience.

You get to know someone really well
and you become so comfortable in their idiosyncrasies.
I sit with you
and say nothing
- it means I love you.

Sometimes you're cutting,
clinching your teeth at my silence
and it frustrates my heart
because I walk and think
in circles on hardwood floors,
the boards creaking
with every footstep I take
toward you.

Forgiveness Rock Record Teasers

2010-04-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Watch a scene from Ghost while listening to Broken Social Scene.

(pardon the naked woman)

Sweetest Kill

Ungrateful Little Father

Chase Scene

Art House Director

All To All

Meet Me In the Basement

World Sick

Huckleberry (part 3)

2010-03-27T12:37:00.001-07:00

I took Huck on an exploration of the great South known as Nashville.

Memories of a Dying Man (remake)

2010-03-26T21:33:00.001-07:00

I made a film a while back (what seems like years ago) with Heather Barton. I wanted to expound on the same concept of that video.

Make it full screen too for the ultimate I-Max experience.

Nashville Skyline

2010-03-14T20:51:00.001-07:00

I filmed this on my new camera. The Canon 5D Mark II. Audrey, Amanda, Andrea, Adam, Ben, and I hanging out in downtown Nashville. We went to Peter's Sushi and Thai, Dan McGuinness Pub, and Adam's hotel he was staying at.

Music:
Sam Quinn and Japan Ten - "Fanboy"

Worship

2010-03-02T23:44:00.001-08:00

Pastor Blaise Katshing asked me to tape a sermon at his church, Fountain Ramah. A man known as Prophet William gave a sermon on worship.

It speaks a great deal of wisdom to me, seeing as how worship is the main way I communicate with God. So I felt like it was worth putting on my blog.

Left on Laura, Left on Lisa

2010-02-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

My friend, J.D., showed me this Avett Brothers video 3 or 4 months ago. It's live at the Cannery Ballroom in Nash. I've been watching it a lot lately and I can't help but scream along.

goose-bumping

2010-02-25T21:44:00.001-08:00

remembering my still mind
easily pleased

the shriveled sun in the echoing
song burning in a smelly memory

the nights as Shakespeares
fusing around the bonfire

the Hot Apple Cinnamon Cider
and who knows what else in the kitchen

ballad.

Oklahoma poetry

2010-02-25T21:32:00.001-08:00

red oak scratches
sap dripping, bending sallow trees
sleepy weepy flop

her terrycloth socks cleft the creek
caught, arrested in slow pace.

Sleep

2010-02-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

My friend, Ben Cantwell - who most of you know, recently made a film for his 16mm film class, called "Sleep".

Pickwick Lake

2010-02-22T13:22:00.001-08:00

On a socked-in, soupy swamp.

She glims the constellations, absent
- star gazing:

undone in her.

Something I Can't Give

2010-02-22T13:11:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd be alright tonight.

But you

wear that low cut V-neck...
bend over lots...
flaunt a nice pair right in front of me...
suck on your finger to be cute (not cute)...
lick your lips far too often...

you can stop now...

I'm crudely ready for something
I cannot have

and cannot give.

Alternate Meanings

2010-02-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Most of my folk
we'll finish wine
and keep the bottle.

* It adds decoration
to the top of the dresser.

The food coloring
is not good for you
but it paints pictures.

* note: Jackson Pollock
was drunk but splattered.

Mario Kart on N64
is for kids but also
resonates in me still.

* A 22 year old can jump back
and forth in times of boredom.

Celebration of Life

2010-02-21T01:34:00.000-08:00

I wrote a poem about a year and a half ago, dedicated to the image I have of my mom the day she birthed me.

I don't typically think anything of birthdays, unless it allows me to see a rated R movie or get into concerts or drink in bars. But 22 is the first age no one cares about!

That being said, God is still telling me to carpe diem day after day throughout the year of 2010. I think I'm grasping a bit more and more what that means. God is telling me to think about what it means to turn a new age. And so I have created this video. It's all in chronological order.

Prayer: Haiti, Liberia, Ross Family

2010-02-19T20:20:00.000-08:00

There is way too much on my heart right now. We need to be praying.

1) Pray for Haiti. For obvious reasons. They need our prayer desperately.

2) Pray for Liberia. Ben (my bro) blogged about Liberia earlier this week. There is a video below, if you are interested. It's a little less than an hour long, but it's well worth watching. If you're going to watch the video, there's no reason to read what I write. But to explain to those who don't find time to watch the video, please read.

The video really really touched my heart and really gave me a lot to think about. A group of people from Vice magazine went into Liberia and interviewed many ex-combatant Liberians and filmed all of it to raise awareness of all the crap going on. If other countries don't step in and help Liberia with their ridiculously weighty problems (rape, cannibalism, drugs, malaria, aids, shit and piss everywhere), then there is going to be a sad sad bloodbath that will happen... because the U.N. will leave West Point (worst place in Liberia) next year. The legacy of civil war in Liberia is staggering. It's the 4th poorest country in the world. 50% of the country is illiterate. 70% of the female population has been raped! 80% of the population is unemployed. And a large % of the pop. has eaten human flesh!!! One of the warlords responsible for these atrocities, who fought in all 3 civil wars, says that if the U.N. leaves, then the youth of Liberia will start a war in less than 3 hours. There will be millions of Liberians dying dramatic deaths. There have already been some devastating wars fought (butt naked) where children's hearts have been ripped out from their chests.

With our prayers, God can move in even more mysterious ways than our small minds can grasp.

3) Pray for the Ross family. Barb Ross (who worked in the C.P.A. cafeteria) is going through a lot of sadness right now and it absolutely breaks my heart. Her husband (Bill Ross) committed suicide last week. There is no need to explain how he did it.

Barb has 2 daughters. Kelly Ross (who is a senior at C.P.A.) and Casey Ross (who is also at C.P.A.). Obviously, there is a lot of emotion stirring in their hearts. Pray that C.P.A. would help the Ross family out with tuition and other finances (since the financial supporter of the family is now gone).

I don't know a lot of the people that go to C.P.A. nowadays, but from what Wade Holmes has told me, there is a lot of terrible stuff going on. This is Wade's first year that he isn't going to Destin with his senior guys' Discipleship group. The reason is because these guys wanna get drunk and don't want Wade around. So Wade isn't going because he doesn't wanna be held responsible for these guys drinking the whole time (there's not much he can do about it). But there's something God can do about it. I think God is going to stir a revival at C.P.A. And the incident with the Ross family could be a catalyst for that.

A lot of students at C.P.A. are making stupid choices. A C.P.A. sophomore committed suicide last year. Many many parents have died in the past couple years at C.P.A. Let's just say, there is a LOT of crap going on at C.P.A....good or bad. But I think this incident with the Ross family is going to spread like wild fire. It shows in this video (it actually sent chills up my spine).

Here is a picture of Kelly with her dad. This picture is currently her Facebook profile picture. Her Facebook status is "I miss you" (man that makes me wanna cry)

Coffee and snow's rain

2010-02-17T13:08:00.000-08:00

The car's inside is still when coffee spills
on the floor down the door.

The rain permeates the smell
that is the memory

- the only attachment I've made
with Winter.

And the snow, of course

I love it when the rain comes down
and makes microscopic holes in the snow
(no, I have not studied it with a microscope).

It's well-formed,
the way a single drop plops down on your side
window and sprints across the glass to
explode into another drop that's
resting on the tip.

Kindness

2010-02-17T09:53:00.000-08:00

I got really frustrated last night. I was trying to leave my house to go teach my friend, Caleb Gregory, how to develop film and print negatives. BUT I couldn't leave my house until I found my R.C. and Fiber Base paper (it's somewhere in my house, Lord knows it!) I was getting so frustrated because I have about $80 of that paper somewhere in my house. I spent about an hour and a half looking for it. My number 1 weakness as a human is how frustrated I get when I can't find things. I'm pretty sure my bro is the same way.

I ended up leaving my house without it. Then, as I was helping Caleb develop his film, I did the dumbest thing ever. I was distracted because I was telling him about what's going on in Liberia and I accidentally opened the canister that his negatives were shut light-tight in. So I accidentally exposed his negatives to light. Let's just say, I am a guilt-tripper. I beat myself up worse than anyone I know. I felt so bad...

When I beat myself up or get extremely frustrated looking for something, I always see that I'm getting way too angry about something so small. And it makes me see all of the crap that's going wrong with me.

I'm just a little tired of seeing everything that's wrong with me. I've been praying a lot lately that God will help me love myself much more than I do. I don't treat myself well.

The other night at my church, Grace Center, the pastor was talking about kindness. He told story after story of all the moments in his life where God has shown him kindness. He made a really great point, saying, "God is so much more excited and willing to show you kindness if you are grateful to receive it."

I realized right then and there that I really am not grateful. I am pretty spoiled. I always say thanks when people do things for me... and I genuinely mean it. But I never do too much to reciprocate the love there.

The pastor, Alyn, ended his sermon on a really great note. He asked the congregation to show kindness this week. I left the sermon with my mom in mind. I really want to show her kindness every week (not just this one obviously).

enfant gâté

2010-02-13T05:49:00.000-08:00

The poet writes
without caring
just how many words
fit on a line.

The window
in front of his Dell
contains the streaks
from his dog's nose.

He is tempted
to flip through the pages
of his hefty Thesaurus
with a wet index finger.

But he sighs.
He looks at himself
in a mirror.

Neal Casal Photography

2010-02-11T15:16:00.001-08:00

Preface: Only read this if you have a built appreciation for Ryan Adams and his Cardinals.

Last weekend, my brother and I were hanging out over at Caylin Cervetti's house (she is a friend of Cooper/Ben/Audrey/Amanda/Andrea). So Ben and I were sitting there listening to the Slumdog Millionaire OST and eating Indian food. Audrey looks over at me with wide, excited eyes.

She says, "Will, guess who is coming over! Neal Casal!"

I looked at her, confused, thinking to myself, "Hmmm...that name....whoa...Neal Casal?! As in, Cardinal Neal Casal? (Not to be confused with Cardinal Richelieu)

Neal Casal was a part of Ryan Adams and The Cardinals from 2005 all the way through early last year. If you don't remember, The Cardinals were formed back in 2004. Casal was a huge part of Easy Tiger, Follow the Lights, and Cardinology. Ryan Adams considers him the bedrock of The Cardinals. I think he meshed best with Adams' Rolling Stones/Guns N' Roses/Emmylou Harris/Oasis aesthetic. He has released 9 solo albums and has lent himself to many various projects, such as Hazy Malaze. Caylin Cervetti is a stand-in for Gwyneth Paltrow in her new movie, Love, Don't Let Me Down. Paltrow plays an addicted-to-drugs Faith Hill...and Casal is in Paltrow's band in the film.

So Ben and I are sitting there, mouths gaping, thinking, "Oh man....I look like a just woke up! Where are my sweet new kicks?"

So Casal walks in and we all shake his hand. At first, Ben and I try not to gush over him and let him know that we indeed know who he is. Someone asked him where he's from and he said he's been living in L.A. Ben looked at him and said, "Oh, I wasn't sure if you were still living in New York, since that's where you've been with The Cardinals." My mind fainted at that moment. I was thinking, "Ben! He's gonna pull a gun out and shoot you! He's gonna wanna dump your body in the TN river, so that you don't follow him back to his house and try to spoon with him!"

But Casal pulled his head up from eating his Indian food and politely said, "Oh, yea, noo..since The Cardinals broke up, I've been in L.A." He seemed a bit shocked that someone recognized him. Little does he know, he's sitting in a room with some people who fantasize about skateboarding with Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore...and that we tried to outdo Ryan Adams and Jon Graboff during their sock competition that was blogged pretty heavily... oh and that we stitched our very own denim jackets with the rose on the back.

So, Ben broke the ice. Now we could drive Casal nuts with our admiration.

Later on in the night, we all went to The Family Wash to see Earl Scruggs' grandson mimic Hank Williams Senior. Ben & Audrey & I asked Casal all about his time with The Cardinals. We mentioned the times we've seen Ryan live and Casal remembered every detail of everything (my thoughts are because he takes so many photos). Ben mentioned how he learned "Let It Ride" on guitar by watching a BBC performance they did in Ireland. He remembered that performance well, telling us what kind of Scotch him and Adams drank after the show and how many hours of sleep he got the night before and the arguments that him and Adams would get into. We asked him what it was like to get left on the curb last year when Adams decided to move on to different things. He told us that Adams was great to work with and that it's disappointing to not be around Adams as much anymore. He ended up explaining to us that Adams is forming a new band this year. Ben and I mentioned that Adams set the bar pretty high with The Cardinals. I also asked him if he knows Taylor Dudney (since Taylor's uncle, Brad Pemberton, played drums in The Cardinals) but he said he didn't.

When I listen to Ryan Adams & The Cardinals, I never think to myself, "Oh, that's Catherine Popper playing piano right now." Or ohhhh that's Jon Graboff or Chris Feinstein or J.P. Bowersock. But when I hear Casal, I know it's him, because he's got really distinctive style.

So meeting him was pretty special.

He told us that he is coming out with a book of photography on February 23rd, called Ryan Adams & the Cardinals: A View of Other Windows. He told us this book is very meaningful to him and that he's extremely excited for it to come out. He said the book has over 200 photos that share an inside scope on Ryan Adams, The Cardinals, and especially note the importance of Chris Feinstein's life (he died over Christmas break in 2009 and was known as Space Wolf and contributed bass guitar to The Cardinals).

Casal has a website where you can view his photography. His stuff is pretty amazing, recapping memories he has with The Cardinals and also Vetiver, Willie Nelson, Oasis, Martha Wainwright, and Jenny Lewis.

Here are some of my favorites of his photography:

Elinor Scott-Sutter

2010-02-10T17:12:00.000-08:00

I was in Art History tonight and my friend, Bonnie Britt, was sitting next to me. She was looking at photos by this girl, Elinor Scott-Sutter, on her website "Equivoque Photography".

Her photos are pretty amazing. My mouth was dropping on a lot of them, probably a little bit of drool involved.

Here are some of my favorites:

Technology

2010-02-10T11:24:00.000-08:00

I just prayed probably my favorite prayer I've ever prayed. Not really, but it's up there.

I just prayed that God would get rid of the internet, cell phones, and T.V.

I realize there is certain technology we need. Doctors would be screwed without certain technology. I know they need Defibrillators (yes I know what this is...thank you Life Guard Training!). But do they need internet and cell phones? I think I can argue that they absolutely do not.

My brother and I were talking about cell phones a few weeks ago. Ben was saying how much he wishes he didn't NEED a cell phone. Ben wishes he could just have a landline and people call him that way. Apparently, Bill Murray doesn't have a cell phone. He becomes cooler every day, am I not right?

I think I hate that I wrote that note on Facebook a month ago, beckoning blog friends to write more. Well, maybe you are just a better person than I am and you actually write in a moleskine. God bless your amazing soul!

Where would I be without technology? I don't want to sound discontent with my life (like some sort of pessimistic Peggy Sue)... but I think I'd be much happier. I would probably feel much more whole. I think we'd be so much closer to everyone we know. I think I would understand all of the 30 second encounters with random acquaintances I make every day. I think most of us feel like we are keeping in touch with every one around us better with Facebook.... but I argue we would keep in touch so much better without Facebook. I'm not trying to start a revolution, I'm just speaking for myself I guess.

Jónsi Music Video

2010-02-09T02:38:00.001-08:00

Man, the filters they use in this video are so beautiful. And the way it's edited is so awesome.

Download "Go Do".

Jonsi - Go Do

2010-02-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

So, hopefully you guys have heard the 3 songs I posted of Jonsi live on WNYC. They are pretty amazing.

Here is "Go Do" just as it appears on the album.

So amazing.

New Camera

2010-02-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

So I'm sorry if this is annoying (makes you jealous, you want to give me a dead arm), but I can't really contain my excitement.

I'm getting a Canon 5D with a 28mm f1.8 lens.

Canon 5D SLR

28mm f1.8 lens

I recommend watching these on Vimeo in High Def.

canon 5d:

San Francisco's People. Canon 5DmkII 24p from Philip Bloom on Vimeo.

Here is a short time lapse testing the Canon 5D:

Zoom H4n + Canon 5D Mark II + Timelapse @ 9000ft from iamkalaniprince on Vimeo.

This is so amazing. Again, testing the Canon 5D:

Canon 5DMark II + Time lapse + Zoom H4n + inspired by Tom@Timescapes & Philip Bloom from iamkalaniprince on Vimeo.

Canon 5D:

Canon 5D Mark II + B&W + Salad Face from iamkalaniprince on Vimeo.

*sigh* ahhhhhhh.....

Blue Valentine

2010-02-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are in a movie that is coming out sometime this spring.

Watch a clip from it here.

Synopsis:
A complex portrait of a contemporary American marriage, "Blue Valentine" tells the story of David and Cindy, a couple who have been together for several years but who are at an impasse in their relationship. While Cindy has blossomed into a woman with opportunities and options, David is still the same person he was when they met, and is unable to accept either Cindy's growth or his lack of it. Innovatively structured, the narrative unfolds in two distinct time frames, juxtaposing scenes of first love and youthful sexuality, with those of disenchantment and discord.

I Can't Sleep Again

2010-02-03T02:06:00.000-08:00

I'm spending the night at Austin's house tonight. It's very peaceful here. I can see through the window a road where tumbleweed might pass over with heavy cricket noise.

Austin and I watched Lost earlier tonight with a bunch of people who haven't watched much Lost and therefore don't know what's going on. But really, I have no idea what's going on. I assume I won't know what's going on until the season finale. (If you haven't watched it yet... don't keep reading). The "hole in the wall" temple and the pirate-looking people and the hippie who resembles John Lennon (not at all actually) were really stupid-looking to me. It was hard for me to get past that Asian pirate who likes to grow Basil. Don't get me wrong. I still love Lost. I want the crew to all be back together again. Is that too much to ask for? I want Desmond and Charlie to be central characters again!

Austin and I also watched The Graduate earlier tonight. Dustin Hoffman's expressions are priceless. I couldn't stop laughing in certain scenes. My favorite scene in the whole movie is when Benjamin (Hoffman) is telling his dad, Mr. Braddock, that he wants to marry Elaine.

Mr. Braddock: Don't you think that idea is a little half-baked?
Benjamin: Oh no, Dad, it's completely baked.

I talked to my mom earlier this week about taking money out of my savings for a new camera. I can't stress to you how excited this makes me.

Comfortable In My Skin

2010-02-02T16:52:00.001-08:00

Hearts have their seasons.
Mine coldens with no colors
along with my bare sinews.

My muscles tangle
in gory evilish fright.
But would like to move.

I want flowing love.
I want to effloresce strong.
I want God's moist soil.

I want blind love bad.
I want to see all nothing.
I want a stabbed eye.

I want to cuss loud.
I want a reason to scream.
I want to feel things.

I want to romance.
I want my dream girl right here.
I want to kiss her.

I want to jump down.
I want to break my ladder.
I want to flourish.

I want to kill hate.
I want to piss on Satan.
I want him to cry.

I want him to die.
I want all the worst for him.
I want to leave him.

I want to let go.
I want to burn my material.
I want to fly high.

I want to forget.
I won't forget I'm human.
I want to ignore.

I want to pass it.
I want to jump off the building.

I want to be me.
Comfortable in my skin.

2010: Films I'm Excited To See

2010-01-30T02:38:00.000-08:00

In chronological order of release date, here is a list of movies I'm looking forward to seeing this year.

Micmacs à tire-larigot - Released Jan 8th. Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet.

Bass Ackwards - Releases Feb 1st.

Shutter Island - Releases Feb 19th. Directed by Scorsese. Stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, and Michelle Williams.

The Ghost Writer - Releases Feb 19th. Directed by Roman Polanski. Stars Ewan McGregor, Pierce Brosnan, and Tom Wilkinson.

Alice in Wonderland - Releases March 5th. Directed by Tim Burton. Stars Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Crispin Glover, Anne Hathaway, and Alan Rickman.

Green Zone - Releases March 12th. Directed by Paul Greengrass (Bourne Supremacy & Ultimatum). Stars Matt Damon.

Greenberg - Releases March 26th. Directed by Noah Baumbach. Stars Ben Stiller and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

Toy Story 3 - Releases June 18th.

Inception - Releases July 16th. Directed by Christopher Nolan. Stars Leonardo Dicaprio, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Cillian Murphy.

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger - Releases Sept 23rd. Directed by Woody Allen. Stars Naomi Watts, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Brolin, and Antonio Banderas.

The Social Network - Directed by David Fincher. Stars Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake.

Due Date - Releases Nov 5th. Directed by Todd Phillips (The Hangover, Old School, Road Trip). Stars Robert Downey Jr., Zach Galifianakis, Jamie Foxx, Juliette Lewis, and Alan Arkin.

How Do You Know? - Releases Dec 17th. Directed by James L. Brooks. Stars Paul Rudd, Jack Nicholson, Owen Wilson, and Reese Witherspoon.

The Green Hornet - Releases Dec 22nd. Directed by Michel Gondry. Stars Christoph Waltz, Seth Rogen, and Cameron Diaz.

Hereafter - Releases Dec (?). Directed by Clint Eastwood. Stars Matt Damon.

Jack Goes Boating - Release Date TBA. Directed by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Stars Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Ryan (known from The Office). Features music from Grizzly Bear.

Blue Valentine - Release Date TBA. Stars Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. Also, Grizzly Bear are apparently the composers of the OST. (I'm too excited for this film).

The Rum Diary - Release Date TBA. Based on the Hunter S. Thompson novel. Stars Johnny Depp, Richard Jenkins, and Aaron Eckhart.

Black Swan - Release Date TBA. Directed by Darren Aronofsky. Stars Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Winona Ryder, and Vincent Cassel.

Sympathy for Delicious - Release Date TBA. Directed by Mark Ruffalo. Stars Juliette Lewis, Laura Linney, Mark Ruffalo, Christopher Thornton, and Orlando Bloom.

Cyrus - Release Date TBA. Stars John C. Reilly, Jonah Hill, Marisa Tomei, and Catherine Keener.

The Tree of Life - Release Date TBA. Directed by Terrence Malick. Stars Brad Pitt and Sean Penn.

Schizophrenia

2010-01-27T14:05:00.001-08:00

Bear with me...I'm just messing around for now.

A New Song Everyday

2010-01-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I have been adding a new song everyday for the past couple of weeks. On the right-hand side of my blog, you'll see "A New Song Everyday".

I don't know how long I'll be doing this, but probably for a while. It only takes 30 seconds out of each day for me to do. Let me know what you think of the songs I add.

One of my favorite artists I've discovered recently is Lissie. I had her song "Everywhere I Go" on my blog recently.

My Future

2010-01-26T22:29:00.000-08:00

My mind is in a deep current, somewhere past "equators" and "stuff that appears on globes", because I imagine my reality outside of what is and was - I meander throughout thinking about my future.

What kind of father will I be? I can't help but think it'll be hard providing for my family at times, but it's harder for me to think of myself sitting in a bed, alone in my thirties, kissing my hand to pretend it's a girl, and writing embarrassing poetry because I don't have love yet.

A roaming thought that reoccurs - "Maybe I'll never find love?"

Another reoccuring thought - "How could God grant me the ability to write depictions of romantic scenes on the beach if I weren't also able to make it mine?"

Samantha's Words

2010-01-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

"Literature is a history of thought intimidating to add to," I affirm with slanted eyes and an angry grip of my pen.

Samantha fingers my clavicle with her wedding finger, more of a scratch really...and get your mind out of the gutter.

She is "three sheets to the wind" and I'm strung up pretty tall in her hair, easily always calmly in love with her - braiding her hair, writing embarrassing poetry, drinking bourbon or scotch, studying her neck line.

I've been trying to write all night, mainly grasping lush images from her mistakes.

Some words were inked down when she spilt bourbon on the new comforter I just bought - I laughed that off though.

I'm Having Trouble Writing

2010-01-21T19:03:00.000-08:00

I just spent about an hour writing something.
Then I deleted it.

FML.

I just never feel like my writing is good enough
to match what is unravelling itself in my mind.

I have a vision somewhere in me,
but it rarely rests on my tongue.
Even if it rested there,
it would be very difficult for me bring it to paper.

I started out writing about snow.
I love writing about snow and how melancholy it makes me feel.

Then I pictured myself on Garrett Bourdon's porch.

Then I pictured myself doing something that makes me feel really cozy:
smoking a cigarette, drinking a glass of scotch.

Then I pictured myself staring at a girls' neckline.

Then I find myself wanting to tell a story.
Why am I always wanting to tell a story?
Who really cares if there is no link between all of the images?
I wish I could just write something beautiful and be okay with that.

I Don't Know

2010-01-19T18:31:00.000-08:00

I laughed when you spilled the Bourbon
on the new comforter I just bought.
It was an expensive with down,
but I forgive you.

Depreciated Feelings

2010-01-18T18:35:00.000-08:00

--
I'm getting angrier
and am showing less of it.
--

Tweedy suggests I learn how to die.
It's easy to do when I'm drooling
over poetry,
my thirst for blood perked.

Oberst taught me poised anger.
Maybe I'm angry still

--
nevertheless I suppress more each day
as I grow colder each day.
--

Dream You Awaken From and To

2010-01-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

I come to your pillow to whisper sing
Neil Young in your ear.

You are sleeping, your eyelids shuttering
in response to a nightfear.

You sweat cold because cold is knocking
at our room’s barrier
and the window lets it in.

The cold is freezing in a foggy room with a
damp bed from dewy draught.

It chills my skin as seeing me holding you
tight tight to release your fright.

The cold is freezing in a foggy room with you
releasing a gripping bite from a
dream you awaken from and to.

Friends

2010-01-18T15:48:00.001-08:00

It's interesting if you have them playing at the same time.

My Top 15 Albums of 2009

2010-01-06T17:04:00.001-08:00

Alright. So I need to apologize to the artists I RAVED about in 2009, but didn't include on this list. I just found some artists that no one has heard of and found them a more special place.

So my honorable honorable honorable mention goes out to Julian Casablancas, Jill Andrews, Mos Def, Andrew Bird, and Volcano Choir. I love you guys.

Sometimes it's not about what is being sung, but how it's being sung. Isakov helps you find Pegasus in the night sky - while making out with some squabe (hottie) in sandy dunes of Venice, Florida. I feel like Emmylou Harris is singing parallel his vocals, but she isn't.
-- That Moon Song (mp3)
-- If I go, I'm Going (mp3)

Tillman's biblical, spiritual references make me feel really calm. The whole album, especially "Crosswinds", makes me feel like I am in a cemetery by a river. There is snow falling calmly around me as Asian mistresses play harps while floating gently down a stream.
-- Crosswinds (mp3)
-- Earthly Bodies (mp3)

I feel like a lot of the songs on this album could be played at the end of a Lost episode...some 'feel good' song comes on as Hurly is jumping into the ocean and a sappy heartfelt feeling is in the air. But there is nothing wrong with that. And I feel Cat Stevens spirit all over this record.
-- Miss Me (mp3)
-- Dead End Kids (mp3)

I feel like James has a very clean perception of what servanthood means. I felt really dirty the night I drove home with this album in my car; I had just gotten done washing dishes in the back of Panera for 6 hours. I listened to this the whole way home and felt really broken. It's one of the more truthful albums I've heard in a while.
-- Magazine (mp3)
-- Pitchfork (mp3)

This album kinda hurts my ears. Does that makes me a baby? It's just really high frequency. I fell in love with this album when Ben, Audrey, and I were driving on Natchez Trace parkway to Audrey's parents' house on Pickwick Lake in Alabama. I think this album emphasized the fireflies flying next to our car as we were screaming with our heads cut off: "BURNING SOLID, BURNING THIN THE BURNING RIM!!!!!"
-- Sleepyhead (mp3)
-- Moth's Wings (mp3)

I'm in a depressed mood every time I listen to this record. And it's awesome!! Seriously though, this record makes me question my faith on a very large scale. And it makes me believe in God more because of that. When Callahan sings, "It's time to put God away," I think to myself, "I've been putting God away." Well, as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. This album is really distant and it's beautiful. It's something I would want to play at my wedding, but everyone would be really awkward and think I'm a retard.
-- Faith/Void (mp3)
-- Jim Cain (mp3)

Tweedy, Stirratt, and Kotche are growing really comfortable with their new band members. It really shows on this record. It's also completely "dad rock". My dad would love this record. So would yours. But it's okay, guys! Because Tweedy is a dad.

I feel like this record resembles a marriage between 2 people that has been going on for at least 20 years. There's been a lot of fighting in the marriage, there's been a lot of love, and the callouses of the two intertwine to bring 2 people who can talk pretty generally about the lows and highs. And that it's completely fine to talk about deeply complex experiences with plain-jane poetry. There's something very opposite loneliness because of that. And it's edified on this record for me.
-- Country Disappeared (mp3)
-- Wilco (The Song) (mp3)

This record is so lush. A great follow-up to "There the Open Spaces". For some reason, when I listen to Markland Starkie's music, I feel like I'm in a hotel room in Seattle and it's raining on all the buskers in the street outside. Don't ask me why.

From his previous album, "Memory Games" is drop-dead EASILY one of my favorite songs of all-time.
-- Memory Games (mp3)
-- Gardens of the South (mp3)

Man. This record is so much fun. The name of the band is very laughable. But when you listen to their music, it just works. Believe me. I rock out HARD to this album while driving around. Just listen to "Quiet Little Voices" really loud in your car, while screaming, "I'm young again!!!!!!!" and you'll instantly fall in love with this record.
-- Quiet Little Voices (mp3)
-- It's Thunder and It's Lightning (mp3)

This record is so catchy. The guitar is so jangly the whole time. I think of the guitar as a frog. And the lead singer is probably the biggest dork of a lead singer I've seen in a while. And he looks like he's not having any fun (I think because of the stressed-out look on his face when he performs) . But duh...of course he's having fun! He's putting so many lyrics (that are so much fun to sing along to) over so many fun synth-pop moments.
-- Lisztomania (mp3)
-- Rome (mp3)

Man, I love this record. "March of the Zapotec" (the other half of this duo-release from Beirut lead-singer, Zach Condon) was not my favorite...it was a little too stripped down to work for the aesthetic Condon was going after. But "Holland" is beautiful on so many levels. His alliterative lyrics are rhythmic in that the S's are evenly spread out at times...at least in "...Prostitute...". It gives the songs such a milky flow. The mixture of strings, brass, synth, and Condon's vibratto are so smooth.
-- The Concubine (mp3)
-- My Night with the Prostitute From Marseille (mp3)

It's cohesive and could be radio-friendly - I think I like Devendra more when he's a belligerent hippie kid who has no idea that he's singing a song. Although, I have so many favorite parts on this record. I love when he lividly belts, "Please destroy me!" on "First Song for B". Also, the drums on "16th & Valencia, Roxy Music" are so much fun and the song is so groovy, it kills me....it's the most retro song I've heard in a while. My 2 favorite parts on the record are at 2:18 in "16th & Valencia..." and 1:35 in "Rats". Also, can I just say...I LOVE singing along to "Baby". Also, I've fallen asleep to Wallilamdzi while praying.
-- Can't Help But Smiling (mp3)

I first listened to this album in May when summer first started. I went to Venice, Florida the next week and lost sleep because of this album. I would stay awake at night and listen to this album while writing a song, called "Journey". Now, it's harder for me to sleep without this album. It's probably the most textural and atmospheric album I've ever heard. I have seriously created 9 separate universes to this album...a universe for each song. I feel like I'm in a completely different location on each song.
-- Atlas Song (mp3)
And here is a video I made to "Happiness":

This record is music genius. I have no idea how Dave Longstreth plays guitar the way he does. I also have no idea how the 3 girls harmonize the way they do. It's so catchy. And Longstreth's voice hearkens back to the '80's for me.
-- Cannibal Resource (mp3)
-- No Intention (mp3)

Alright. So. This record is amazing. I listened to this record probably 50 times all the way through this year. The lyrics are really conversational and yet very straight forward. It's harmonic, jazzy, rock, roll, and poppy. Let's just say...these 4 guys are so good at creating a soundtrack for their environment. They move out of a wintery yellow house to a summery island called Veckatimest.
-- Cheerleader (mp3)
-- About Face (mp3)