Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Peeling An Orange

My friends were wondering if I was alright
back when they shot the shit
on the back deck
smoking a cigarette

and I didn't come out of my room.

I keep hoping they understand now
but I think I'm still in my room.

I wish I could peel an orange on the front porch,
and my wife is hooked to me
on the swing

But I always have this drama
and this deep career manifested
in dealing with myself.

I will always hate myself mostly
and it scares me.

I think about my mom
and how she wishes I loved myself
and how God loves me
and I am fearful of the seventy years I have left
bearing kids
and loving my wife
in a life where I want to be happy
but try too hard.


way said...

I know this is vulnerable and sad. But I've been really frustrated lately with how I never write down my thoughts, because I'm scared of them..

So this writing is a reflection of me trying to let loose and totally let out my feelings and thoughts. It's easy when I just let loose.... so you may be witnessing some embarrassing poetry soon and thereafter... but who says Jeff Tweedy doesn't look back on his early poems in embarrassment?

Audrey said...

I like it and relate.

benjamin said...

this hits home for me, too. probably because you did a great job revealing something clearly, but not too clearly (if you know what I mean). and probably because that "something" is a universal truth for humanity.

i will say, though, that while i do feel this way sometimes, i always come back to the fact that god is never-changing and he will always run to greet me when i come home. read THIS for a better understanding of what i mean.

Mom said...

Will, Ben, Audrey and Andrea,

Lately I have been praying for God to baptize us in His love! The word says that perfect love casts out fear! God is the only one who can love us perfectly!!! Man will disappoint us! The world has nothing to offer us making us long for our true home with Him! I am tired of beating myself up when life gets messy! The truth is God loves me no matter what! When He sees me, He sees His son who gave His life for me. We have been redeemed! Oh how I pray we get this revelation! Jesus gave it all so we could walk in freedom! Ben and Will, I have told you before that I gave birth to you, but you have given me life because through you, I returned to the Father because I was the prodigal who had lost her way. Don't let the enemy lie to you. He is the accuser of the brethren! We are precious in the eyes of our Heavenly Father!

way said...

Mom, I know the truth. My writing doesn't always reflect what I believe. I don't believe the lies I often lives days and weeks by. But they are a majority of my thoughts...and I am trying to write them down, because I I find more creativity and story-development in my struggles and failures than in my successes. I can't write about how good God is and how beautiful things are... it just bores me to write about those things for some reason. I often focus on darker things in my writing - I just can go deeper with it.

My writing is full of lies... but I know the truth that can combat my words. Sometimes, my blog just reflects my day to day struggles. And I know the answers most of the time. I am just trying to utilize my blog in a way most people utilize journals. Most people wouldn't share the things I share on my blog with the whole world. But I choose to, because I am better at writing on my blog. I am terrible at writing in a journal.

Mom said...


I understand. You are writing what most people are thinking but not sharing. Coach D. had a great post in his blog on fear. He asked for comments on our own fears. The truth is we all struggle with fear. I like your writing so keep it up!


d.t.l said...

This is great writing, Will.

It is really scary facing the imperfections of the self, and what effect they have later down the line in life with raising kids and the rest of adulthood. This post really resonates with me, man.

There's a lot of writing I end up cringing about after the process is over, but every now and then someone mentions meant something important to them.

On the flip side though, the most embarrassing things that come forth often bestow the most amount of freedom once you've let them be said.

way said...

Ahh, Drew. I miss you, dude. It's been so so so long. There is a great freedom in spilling embarrassing thoughts, so amen to what you said. I'm curious what you're doing these days.

d.t.l said...

It's been a long while hasn't it?

I've been out working to make playing music a permanent career since I graduated a couple years ago, and it's been an amazing ride so far. I'm very blessed; getting to see so much of the country has matured me in a lot of good ways I think.

Unfortunately it's also kept me out of the loop on a lot of the things that friends are involved in. I miss you too, Will. How are you getting along? Hope all is well with your family.