I remember a time when I didn't have a clue what I'd be when I'm older. What car I'd drive. What house I'd live in. Who I'd marry. I greatly miss that mysteriousness.
I have "acquired" all of those things and it leaves me feeling empty inside. It shouldn't though, of course. I keep feeling like there's nothing more. But there is. So much more.
I want to flick my mind. I want to turn off whatever part of my brain prohibits me from being a child with my children. I want to think like them and feel like them. But I am just annoyed at everything and everyone.
I am tired. I am no more a dreamer.
1 comment:
I relate to this pretty hardcore. And it’s something that I found myself mulling over this past weekend, which is kinda funny because apparently you were as well.
I feel like there’s this big part of me that is so reluctant to let go of that teenage desire to constantly seek more and want more. It’s hard because I certainly want to always grow and learn and be a better man, but it quickly becomes toxic if I don’t watch myself. It quickly turns into dissatisfaction and rsetlessness and unhappiness. And that’s definitely not what I want.
I think there is a beautiful, healthy space to occupy in between stagnation and constant dreaming. I’d like to find that place. A place where I can rest in who I am and in my family and in God. But also have room for growth and searching. It’s just so tricky....
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