bosom enemies

I've been reading Little Women and it's made me tear up maybe three times and I'm only on page 70 or so.

I can relate a lot to Jo. In the chapter where she's talking about how angry she gets. Her mom, Marmee, teaches her not to pay such attention to her Apollyon, her "bosom enemies", described as “those special, little (well, some might not call them so little) faults that are uniquely our own and shape who we are.” That if she does, it will ruin her day and possibly her life.

After Amy burned Joe's book of fairy tales she’d written and spent years perfecting, Jo turns her anger into somewhat of a murderous weapon against Amy. Louisa May Alcott mentions that Jo’s anger makes her a little bit happy but mostly miserable simultaneously as she gets a twisted satisfaction from making Amy feel sorry and “pay for it”. The way Alcott puts it, makes me think of the ancient Buddha quote: "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It made me tear up when Jo lets Amy fall through the ice while ice-skating, afterward imagining Amy had died and what burden would be carried. Sometimes my actions and words can be poisonous to those around me and to myself. This used to immobilize me. I couldn't think about anything else other than the one thought I did not want to think about. I don't hate myself as much anymore as I used to. Having three kids, I don't really have time for self-deprecation and shaming the whole Will Rucker when I catch myself yelling at my kids and feeling small ~ I pretty quickly have to ask for forgiveness, be sweet again, and move on without dwelling on any reasons for what happened and why.

Kids are quick to forgive. They don't hold grudges like adults do, for they often don't see the layers to anger like adults do, picking things apart and focusing on the faults, the things that weren't right.