Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Coffee Smoffee / Red Carpet Martinis

There's this gas station I always get coffee at. It's called Coffee Smoffee. Dumbest name on earth. Best coffee in the galaxy. I always think it's hilarious when a gas station advertises their coffee over their gas, as if coffee takes priority or something. I feel like they prefer all of their customers to get their coffee before pumping gas. Maybe a truck driver is too tired to pump gas, like he might accidentally fall asleep at the pump and spray all of the other cars with gas. Then all the other customers will drive off and light a cigarette and explode. Of course, all these customers that shop at Coffee Smoffee will have to caffeinate themselves so they don't get put in jail for Unleaded Gas Spraying Homicide. I can see this being on a Mastercard commercial:

"A gallon of gas = $2.43.

A vehicular homicide at the pump = priceless".

Every time I go into get coffee and am waiting in line at the counter, I'll look at the magazines with all the celebrities blushed up with makeup on the covers. I'll see that some desperate housewife who likes to make her rounds on Oprah is cheating on her husband with Tom Cruise. The reason she was probably on Oprah in the first place is because she somehow got herself in bed with Tom. Oprah just wants Tom's body and so she has this desperate housewife on her show, basically just so she can hear all the dirty details.

I've always wondered how celebrities become such good friends. Do they just meet each other on the red carpet with Martini's in their hands and say "Toast"? Jimmie Stewart and Donna Reed are probably standing there on the red carpet and see that the host of that year's 1945 oscars, Jack Benny, is walking towards them and so they start talking to each other in order to escape an awkward interview. And so then they strike up this conversation and realize all that they have in common. They both like Martini's. What could go wrong? Or I bet some actress heard some musician's No. 1 hit on the radio and just dug his groove. And so maybe she called him up and asked him to meet her for coffee. Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe probably got caffeinated a lot together when 5 & diners were the shit.

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