Home Is a Naked Person

Mom looks at me and says, "Jules, I got you your fave coffee from Coffee Smoffee."

"Well, Dr. Seuss, it wouldn't happen to be Dead Dice on rocks with a hint of cow poop?"

"Of course."

Mom and I like to mock certain customers at certain coffee shops. It seems like some of them woke up one morning and just decided to have a nickname for everything that caffeinates them.

Somehow, Dead Dice means frozen mocha. For some reason, you have to say "on rocks" even though the ice is what makes it a frozen mocha. Somehow, "cow poop" means caramel. Just remember, when you go to Coffee Smoffee, ask for the Cold Caramel Mocha. You'll save your breath.

Home seems so much more homely when you've been away from it for a while. Whatever dorky scientist figured out that "distance makes the heart grow fonder" is an epic genius.

My mom has gotten the drill down. She figures me out fast. I like to come home and get my warm hug with the Cold Caramel Mocha. I'll get my massage and calm her down, which I love doing, because I know very well that I genuinely am calming her down. I'm basically her sinus relieving headache medicine that actually works. I'm warm to her as she is to me.

As I swallow my cow dung, I can see through the window - my mom's volkswagen parked under our Sallow tree. It's probably the only thing she does that doesn't make any sense. Sallow trees have this very abundant, watery sap that just drips everywhere and gets all over her car. My mom tells me stories about how she used to take me up into the tree when I was little. She would sit me in her lap and pet my head and sing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" to me. After a few weeks of her singing that song to me, I mimicked the lyrics and somehow said my first words as something like,

"If you get to heaven before I do,
Comin' for to carry me home.
Tell all my friends I'm comin' there too,
Comin' for to carry me home."

Of course, it probably sounded more like, "Ith doo det doo deven duhdoor dah doo..." I apparently was a huge baby talker until I was like 5. I had fat cheeks. I was a fat 8 pound baby.